He had given way to 'outside
influences'; the two Pashas had been 'judicially murdered'. Again
and again he referred to the incident with a haunting remorse.
"The Times", perhaps, would consider that he had been justified;
but what did that matter? 'If The Times saw this in print, it
would say, "Why, then, did you act as you did?" to which I fear I
have no answer.' He determined to make what reparation he could,
and to send the families of the unfortunate Pashas ?1,000 each.
On a similar, but a less serious, occasion, he put the same
principle into action. He boxed the ears of a careless telegraph
clerk--'and then, as my conscience pricked me, I gave him $5. He
said he did not mind if I killed him-- I was his father (a
chocolate-coloured youth of twenty).' His temper, indeed, was
growing more and more uncertain, as he himself was well aware. He
observed with horror that men trembled when they came into his
presence--that their hands shook so that they could not hold a
match to a cigarette.
He trusted no one. Looking into the faces of those who surrounded
him, he saw only the ill-dissimulated signs of treachery and
dislike. Of the 40,000 inhabitants of Khartoum he calculated that
two-thirds were willing--were perhaps anxious--to become the
subjects of the Mahdi. 'These people are not worth any great
sacrifice,' he bitterly observed.
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