There were, besides, nine small paddle-wheel
steamers, hitherto used for purposes of communication along the
Nile, which, fitted with guns and protected by metal plates, were
of considerable military value. 'We are all right,' Gordon told
his sister on March 15th. 'We shall, D. V., go on for months.' So
far, at any rate, there was no cause for despair. But the
effervescent happiness of three weeks since had vanished. Gloom,
doubt, disillusionment, self-questioning, had swooped down again
upon their victim. 'Either I must believe He does all things in
mercy and love, or else I disbelieve His existence; there is no
half way in the matter. What holes do I not put myself into! And
for what? So mixed are my ideas. I believe ambition put me here
in this ruin.' Was not that the explanation of it all? 'Our
Lord's promise is not for the fulfilment of earthly wishes;
therefore, if things come to ruin here He is still faithful, and
is carrying out His great work of divine wisdom.' How could he
have forgotten that? But he would not transgress again. 'I owe
all to God, and nothing to myself, for, humanly speaking, I have
done very foolish things. However, if I am humbled, the better
for me.'
News of the changed circumstances at Khartoum was not slow in
reaching England, and a feeling of anxiety began to spread.
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