He had lost a great opportunity, and
it brought him small comfort to consider that 'in the region of
counsels, self-chastisement, humiliation, self-discipline,
penance, and of the Cross', he had perhaps done right.
The crisis passed, but it was succeeded by a fiercer one. Manning
was taken seriously ill, and became convinced that he might die
at any moment. The entries in his Diary grew more elaborate than
ever; his remorse for the past, his resolutions for the future,
his protestations of submission to the will of God, filled page
after page of parallel columns, headings and sub-headings,
numbered clauses, and analytical tables. 'How do I feel about
Death?' he wrote. 'Certainly great fear:
1. Because of the uncertainty of our state before God. 2. Because
of the consciousness-(1) of great sins past, (2) of great
sinfulness, (3) of most shallow repentance. What shall I do?'
He decided to mortify himself, to read St Thomas Aquinas, and to
make his 'night prayers forty instead of thirty minutes'. He
determined during Lent 'to use no pleasant bread (except on
Sundays and feasts) such as cake and sweetmeat'; but he added the
proviso 'I do not include plain biscuits'. Opposite this entry
appears the word 'KEPT'. And yet his backslidings were many.
Looking back over a single week, he was obliged to register
'petulance twice' and 'complacent visions'.
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